Liars confession

Rant from an addict. 

Dear Resentful and scorned,

Where do i start. Ive spent most my life not only lying to you but lying to myself. Not just about something but in some shape or way about everything. For starters i am not a good person. Ive lied cheated stole betrayed, some of my closest friends and without a doubt most my family, and after words i went on as if nothing ever happened. Now i wasnt always this way it took time and alot of work. Work though anxiety, pain, regret, sadness, fear and anger. Work to learn that out of sight and mind meant safe and sound. So i would if i knew i did something wrong simply make whatever may trigger that emotional response disappear to the best of my capabilities. What that means is that once i stole your money, mind you at one point it would have been fully intended on a borrow with intent to return but over time that changed. Anyways i would then restrict your ability to contaccct me through number change phone off blocked and or restricted calling capabilities. That was only after you if you ever did, realized that i was the most likely culprit and i felt like i had no true way out but you had no without a doubt proof that i couldnt still deny. Ive gone as far as to help you solve the crime knowing all evidence would point to me, using that acting shocked yet frustrated that well obviously all evidence points to me i now understand how you could consider that but who on gods earth would help you solve the crime if they were the guilty party. . . . keep in mind i would always leave just enough room in the story and drama that it possibly could have been coincidence and or someone was making it look like me, or maybe even i was the victim as well as you. . . and somehow because i feel like i sometimes believed it myself …. You would either believe me or simply give up because ….well what ever your reasons were. There where times when i store from you and you were sitting right next to me. Hanging out having a good time…. I never stole it all at frist anyways. Small amounts because i cared about you and didnt want you to struggle. In my head i felt just after all the things i have done for you that went unappreciated or somehow in my opinion not appreciated enough. Even though i claimed that i am the selfless one. I turned people against each other when it benefited me and still told myself i was simply being honest or loyal being good friend.]

This is only the last mointh or so ironically.

I tried to get you fucked uo in hoopes that you may want to have sex with me because that was aall i was about was my pleasure while i pretended it was about yours. I took advantaghe of you after your inhibitions where lowered and truly convinced myself that what i was doing was not only ok but actually a good thing because i always got clear consent and it was helping broaden your horizons, after all i mean if it had to happen why not with a guy that didnt make you feel weird because there was no commitment need and i didnt cling, 

,.. Most times. I did during this time at least to my recollection actually believed this and didnt think that in anyway i was taking advantage. Somehow not seeing or believing that meth could impact ones judgement so greatly that they would do something that made them feel wrong or disgusted.. Easy not to see when you often if not always had the drugs for you readily available.. What would you truly understand at that time what its like to need but not have, oh but you would, you would know. There would be a tiem when in the future, ironically the far future already surpassing years and years of your actions that you too would know what its like to be on the other end… learning the hard way just a possibility of what you may have and likely made others to feel.

But by now your learning how to dissasociate and stuff, avoiding all these emotions and conflicts so that you can avoid feeling that fear and disgust and pain you know that you caused others. When you forced yourself on someone because you were so high and ikn the moment, but you knew you had to have known your not stupid you madee yoursekf sick over it so again you bottled and stuffed so deep that it quickly barely became real? Then again was it? You barely know anymore but your heart tells you it is. The lies you said about people just to make yourself feel better or look like the victim so that you could always come out on tioop. Some how you always managed to come out looking pretty good didnt you … well over time people slowly got wiswe of you most never saying anything but just removing themselves sad that you could continue after all they did for you with your lies and draining and taking from them. Constantly again and again reaching for help and getting it alst while your already in the midst of your next crumble and downfall… you pray and pray for help and you do it as your literally texting your dealer for more drugs. , you pretend your mobing forward when the only direction youve been moving for yours is down as you dug deeper and deeper. However your one of those ones that digs slowly and makees his hole wide takes his time so that by the time you actually get to the bottom you cant even begin to pull yourself up. Cnt reach the other side to vbrace yourself against to climb or shimmy up. As you had in the past, you lie about your health becasue evrry thing you say you feel you deserve and hope will happen so that you can go out looking like a saint when your a demon in disguise. Constantly losing yourself deepeer and deeper into your own lies and tangelss to afraid to be honest to confused to depict between reality and fiction, still not sure who you are what you want the only consistent factor is your scared your aa liar yourself ish youve been playing victim for way to long and its time for it to end,, it has to stop. Even after this it doesnt even begin to scratch the surface to what kind of monster you truly are. . . the more i go over any good deed i ever did the less i can see anything i ever did as anything but fro myself. I wanted to feel good i wanted to be seen as a caring considerate person with a kind heart. You knew that once that person existed and so desperate to hold on to a fantasy and memory of what used to be you painted a picture of your self that you could stand to live with, and anytime you started to see the truth that scared boy, that full of fear and shame child would panic and scramble to make it all go away so that you could keep living in your lie. 

Convinced that it waas always for someone else when you would do things that would be viewed as morally questionable when really all they where was an excuse to move forward with less remorse and guilt….

Day so today im a liar still manipulating and trying to make the world revolve around me… somehow im still slightly trying to control things forgetting that how i got here in the first place. I mean really how well has that worked out for me in the past. Today would be one day clean again but at least its one. I havent told the people in NA yet well….. Because im a LIAR…..and when he was wrong promptly admitted it. Who defines promptly. Meh ill just give it some time, how about i give it some time so that i can have time to get, clean time, under my belt again before i tell them i relapsed and now am working an honest program(ironically after lying for 7-10 days. Could always just roll with that.. Ohhh im sorry but it takes 7-10 business days for notifications to be ready for processing then you have post days and …. Im just truly sorry that it took so long for me to get this information to you, that being said the good news is that i AM clean and AM working an honest program now, its just got processing-post days for all information. You know how things go policy and all. 

 Geez i can customer service the basically any bull shit in my life, i wonder how thaty would have worked with other things,

Hey sir(drug dealer) i know your frustrated about the payment, however we have to give it 72- 144 hours just to be sure that it hasnt cleared the bank. On our end where totally showing that refund as processing, (counts cash next to pile of drugs) so just to better serve our customers and our business as a whole we do have to wait (use your money for reup) but this allows aus to be fair to all our customers in situations where the customer may be….. Ya know…. Trying to just manipulate the situation. IM NOT saying thats you as a bo to amatter of fact we both know that its not your fault and if i could give you this right now i would however, its out of my hands at this point and time policy and alll….. Why dont you give us a call back in 144 hours to be safe or 7 days so your not affecting my customer satiusfactiion rating. DONT forget to leave your review on yelp,

     Back to the poiint im still a liar and a cheat im just sober today i guess thats a plus and a major strtuggle in its own, i literally will be driving down the road clean all day and as if some power from beyond is in control im just coincidentally driving by my dealers and calls on speaker phone its like i blinked and someone else took over. Then im like well …. I cant be rude it would be rude to not finish the call now, and there ya go… thats how im an idiot.

    How about some more rant about how fucked i up i am. I already admitted that im a piece of shit liar thief, so ive stolen from my mom my dad my sister my brother my grand mother your grandmother, probably your wallet justa second agoo.,.... No seriously you should check just trying to keep myself accountable